TOON HERMANS EERBETOON 4 DE - FINI - TIEF

[Norman12]

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ZOMAAR
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Ik heb weinig inspiratie , maar kan ik iemand op een idee brengen ?

NIEUWE TITELS VAN SPROOKJES

Ali Baba en de veertig senatoren
Ali Baba en de veertig bisschoppen
Ali Baba en de veertig Europese ambtenaren
Ali Baba en de veertig koningskinderen
Ali Baba en de veertig vastgoedmakelaars
Ali Baba en de veertig diamantairs
Ali Baba en de veertig politiecommissarissen
Ali Baba en de veertig huisjesmelkers
Ali Baba en de veertig fiscale fraudeurs

of nog

Roodkapje en de dode soapacteur
De rattenvanger van Athene
De nieuwe kleren van de porno-actrice
Alladin en de zijn spaarlamp
Het meisje met de bomgordel
De gelaarsde SM-rechter
De prinses op de kiwi
K3 zoekt zeven geitjes
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[Norman12]

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ZOMAAR ZOMAAR
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WAT HEB IK GELEZEN IN DE BIJBEL EN GELEERD IN HET LEVEN ?

Dat elke familie heilig is

Dat elk kind goddelijk is

Dat elke geboorte een feest is van hoop

Dat elke puber het beter weet dan zijn leraar

Dat elke geboorte aangekondigd wordt

Dat elk gezin intimiteit verkiest boven de herberg

Dat elke herder blij is met nieuw leven

Dat elke wijze nieuw leven bewondert

Dat elk die maatschappijkritiek heeft gekruisigd wordt

Dat elke kus een dubbele agenda bewijst

Dat elke volgeling er niets van begrijpt

Dat elke vader klaagt over de fouten van zijn kind

Dat elke maaltijd je laatste kan zijn

Dat elke maagd voorzichtig moet zijn

Dat elke vriend je kan verloochenen

Dat een onschuldige ook kan veroordeeld worden

Dat alle politici de zwarte Piet doorgeven

Dat je alleen vrienden hebt als je wint

Dat vissers graag overdrijven

Dat je soms moet vluchten naar , maar ook uit Egypte

Dat je de kwaliteit van de wijn moet controleren

Dat de massa steeds danst om het gouden kalf

Dat paardrijden en vallen zonder helm hersenletsel kan veroorzaken

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[Norman12]

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Overschotjes

LAATSTE LOSSE LABIELE/LULLIGE/LOLLIGE LIMERICKS
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Ze drinken een glas en plassen een plas...........................732
En alles blijft zoals het was
Alles van waarde
In moeder aarde
Raakt op en dat geeft echt geen pas


Koud , stout , goed gebouwd..........................................733
Daarmee was ik ooit getrouwd
Eén ellende
Wat een bende
En het heeft me lang berouwd


Leg verliefd je hand op mij.............................................734
Lach naar bloemen in de wei
Steek ons kindje in de lucht
Troost me als ik wel eens zucht
Gevangen voel ik mij dan vrij

[Norman12]

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TOON HERMANS
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Ze heet gewoon Marie................................................17
Ze draagt haar , haar gewoon
Maar steeds als ik haar zie
Denk ik wat zijt ge schoon
Ze draagt gewoon een bloes
Doodgewoon een tas
Zingt en praat en lacht gewoon
Ze doet gewoon de was
Ze heeft gewoon een huis
Of eigenlijk meer een flat
Er staan gewoon wat bloemen
Er staat gewoon een bed
Ze heeft gewoon twee kinderen
Gewoon een hond die blaft
Ze heeft gewoon een man
Die liefheeft eet en drinkt en maft
Hij doet geen wonderen , zij evenmin
En daar zit nou net het bijzondere in
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DUST TO DUST __ASHES TO ASHES
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[Norman12]

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LAATSTE LOSSE LABIELE/LULLIGE/LOLLIGE LIMERICKS
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Als ik je bloemen koop en chocola................................................735
Geef mij dan je woord en zeg ja
We trouwen
En bouwen
Een feestje met ma en met pa


Een hemelwachter aan de poort...................................736
Riep %u201CBen jij nu echt gestoord ?
Je komt niet binnen
Na vals beminnen
Eens getrouwd hou dan je woord


Wat heb ik aan advocaten............................................737
Het zijn schapen die veel blaten
Worden rijk
Met gezeik
En in moordenaars zien ze geen graten


Een dronkaard gebruikte de Menenpoort..................... 738
Als toilet : dat is pas gestoord
De politie kwam
En sloeg hem dan
In de boeien zoals het hoort


In De Haan wachtte ik op de kust-tram................................739
Maar ik hoorde dat die wat rust nam
Hij was in de rouw
Hij zag bont en blauw
Hij had zomaar vrouwen gekust , man !


D%u2019r was ne keer ne groene kikker...............................740
Die blies zich op en werd zo dikker
Hij hield geen maat
En %u2018t resultaat
Hij kreeg last aan zijnen tikker


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SSSSSSST................DE TOUR BEGINT......................
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[Bosrankje]

Beste Norman,

Af en toe wandel ik tussen de ppt's die ik (wij) gemaakt heb
en ben even blijven lezen wat je allemaal geschreven had...
Bewondering en emotie, dat is wat ik gevoeld heb en ik kon
niet stoppen ! Om je te bedanken voor alles wat je in ons Laar
hebt geplaats gedurende veel jaren, heb ik enkele van je mooie
gedichten geplukt en naar jou gebracht
Het zal zeker niet de laatste keer zijn dat ik bij jou op bezoek
kom (met een nieuwe selectie ...)

Ik heb straks ook tijd genomen om naar een tiental bladzijden
te kijken, hier in je stekje, en ik moet je zeggen dat ik geen notie
van tijd meer had !
Zoveel verschillende thema's, boeiend, interessant, mooi...
Nogmaals bedankt voor alles wat je hier met ons gedeeld hebt !

Tot binnenkort en een fijn weekend !

Lieve groetjes van ons beiden

Alter en Rankje

[Norman12]

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Gelezen in boek of op internet
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Lopen zonder krukken


Een man verwondde eens zijn been. Hij moest met een kruk lopen. Die kruk bleek erg nuttig te zijn , zowel met lopen als voor andere dingen.

Hij leerde zijn hele familie het gebruik van krukken , en ze werden deel van het dagelijks leven. Iedereen wilde een kruk. Sommige krukken waren uit ivoor gesneden , andere waren versierd met goud.

Er werden scholen opgericht waar mensen met krukken leerden omgaan, er werden leerstoelen aan de universiteit gecreëerd waar de hogere aspecten van deze wetenschap belicht werden.

Een aantal mensen , een paar maar , ging zonder krukken lopen. Dat werd beschouwd als een schandaal, als iets belachelijks . Bovendien waren er zoveel andere mogelijkheden om de krukken te benutten.
Sommigen hadden een weerwoord en werden bestraft . Ze probeerden aan te tonen dat een kruk best kon vervangen worden door iets anders. Er waren er maar weinig die daarnaar luisterden.

Toen de krukken generaties lang in gebruik waren en er ontdekt werd dat sommige mensen best zonder kruk konden lopen , %u201Cbewees%u201D de meerderheid dat ze noodzakelijk waren . Kijk maar zeiden ze : laat deze man zonder krukken lopen , zie je wel , hij kan het niet.
Maar wij lopen zonder krukken zeiden de gewone wandelaars.
Dat verbeeldt je je maar zeiden de kreupelen , want tegen die tijd waren ze ook nog blind geworden.
Blind , omdat ze niet wilden zien
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Pieter Bruegel de oude

[Norman12]

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Bespaar op al uw reizen
Lees Norman en steun het seniorennet
Vandaag gaan we naar Kortrijk

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Ter gelegenheid van werelderfgoedag werden volgende edele Normanverzen
toegevoegd aan het Vlaams patrmonium
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Elke kerk werd groot dankzij zwart werk
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Elke crimineel is er één te veel
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Elke politieker maakt de wereld zieker
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Geen enkele miljardair handelt altijd fair
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Elke mooie dame werkt voor de reclame
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Uiteraard zag ik weer beestjes toen ik deze schreef
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Namelijk

[Norman12]

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Vakantie ideeën , beter dan een reis naar Syrië
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[Norman12]

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De mens is een vanishing spray..........................................862
We gaan gewoon iets langer mee
Maar worden vertrapt onder 't geweld
Van misdaad seks en geld
Een experiment in vlees en taal
We dementeren worden kaal
Verschroeid als gras en niet geverfd
We zijn één bloem die bloeit en sterft
En rondom ons daar staan de banken
Die kijken lachen zingen danken
Zelfs graffiti gaat langer mee
De mens is een vanishing spray







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Ellebogen , mededogen , eksterogen , blut................................863
Alle dagen , levensvragen , om te klagen , kut
Oesterzwammen , haren kammen , deuren rammen , slot
Alle mensen , zoveel wensen , dikke pensen , god
Veel vertellen , nooit vervellen , schepen tellen , kom
Vossenstreken , korte weken , loze preken , krom
Blonde Zweden , lang geleden , nooit vermeden , fee
Veel geduld , dikke bult , eigen schuld , welnee


Dat doet de machthebber , in plaats van mensen te helpen
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Songtekst: Bram Vermeulen - "Onzin"

Kaas met wijn en stokbrood
Dat is dus Parijs
Koffie die koud en hard is
Dat is mokka-ijs
Honderd schone borden meer
Dat is het bewijs
Een auto op de rails
Dat is dus een trein
Je hand in de cirkelzaag
Dat is dus pijn
Voor alles is een naam
Het gat in de muur heet raam
Een kip die geen ei legt, is een haan

refr.:
Deel mij maar
Bij de onzin in
Bij de onzin in
Bij de onzin

Een lantarenpaal met takken
Dat is dus een boom
Kijken met je ogen dicht
Dat is dus een droom
Twee vingers in het stopcontact
Dat is dus stroom
Voor alles is een naam
De zon die 's nachts schijnt, heet maan
Een gele komkommer heet banaan

refr.

Een tafel met een leuning
Dat is dus een stoel
Je moeder die doodgaat
Dat is dus gevoel
Ik heb ze alle vijf
Een vrouw met een piemel is een wijf
En wat niet zacht is, dat is stijf

refr....


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Songtekst: Conny Stuart - "Ik ben zo moe"

Ik ben zo moe, ik ben zo moe, ik ben zo moe
Ik ben zo moe van al die knoopsgaten en knopen
En elke avond mot dat allemaal weer open
En dat is dan natuurlijk weer een heel gedoe
Ik ben zo moe van wat de mensen doen en laten
Moe om te luisteren en nog meer om zelf te praten
Ik ben zo moe van alle dingen die ik hoor en die ik zie
En van de honderdduizend woorden in de encyclopedie
Van al die herrie van de scooters
Van al de auto's en de toeters
Moe van Strawinsky en nog meer van Tea for two
Ik ben zo moe, moe, moe

Maar ik ben vooral zo moe van jou
Van wat je wil en wat je wou en wel zou willen
Ik zou 't liefst een week lang tegen je gaan gillen
Maar ja, daar kom ik dan gewoon niet aan toe
Want ik ben veel te moe

En als 'k er dan over nadenk, af en toe
Hoe dikwijls ik al in m'n leven heb ontbeten
En hoeveel boterhammen ik nog zal moeten eten
Dan word ik moe en dan word ik zo ontzettend moe
Ik ben zo moe van AOW en van Drees en
Ik heb vanmorgen in het ochtendblad gelezen
Dat ze vijftig helikopters fabriceren dit seizoen
Dan denk ik: O o o, als ik het maar niet hoef te doen
Ik ben zo moe van al die smoelen
En van weduwepensioenen
Moe van het Midden-Oosten, daar wil ik nooit naar toe
Ik ben zo moe, moe, moe

Maar ik ben vooral zo moe van jou
Ik zou het liefst een beetje kwijnend zitten lallen
Van 'Lalala' en 'Als in 't bos de blaren vallen'
'k Ben zo moe van 't eten met een pannekoekie toe
Ik ben zo moe, moe, moe

Ik word al moe als ik denk: straks gaat de telefoon
Ik ben zo moe van zoute nootjes en augurken
En als ik slaap, dan word ik weer zo moe van 't snurken
Ik ben zo moe, zo moe, da's niet gewoon
Moe van de Bilt met z'n depressie en z'n buitjes
Moe van de werkster met die scheuten in d'r stuitje
Van de kattenbakcentrale en psychologische romans
Van de boontjes af te halen en ook van de jeugd van thasns
Ik ben zo moe van al die smoelen
En zo moe van voetbalpoelen
Al belt straks Marlon Brando op: "Kom naar me toe"
Dan zeg ik: "Ach joh, veel te moe"

Maar ik ben vooral zo moe van jou
Ik ben zo moe van al je dassen en je boorden
Ik zou zo graag proberen om je te vermoorden
Maar ja, dat is natuurlijk weer een heel gedoe
Want ik ben veel te moe...

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Ook van Conny Stuart
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Herr Heinzelmann
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rW5eoJx9yBg

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Droomt Antwerpen daar ook niet van ?
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[Norman12]

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Te moe om te vertalen
Leuk als je Engels kent en doorzettingsvermogen om uit te lezen
Dank u , internet
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A great book is a homing device
For navigating paradise.
A good book somehow makes you care
About the comfort of a chair.
A bad book owes to many trees
A forest of apologies.

J. Patrick Lewis
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Comebacks to Pickup Lines

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
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Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
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Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
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Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
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Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
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Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
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Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
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Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
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Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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Love Quotes

"To love and win is the best thing. To love and lose, the next best."
-William M. Thackeray

"Don't forget to love yourself."
-Soren Kierkegaard

"If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with..."
-Unknown

"Love is hard work; and hard work sometimes hurts!"
-Unknown

"True love never dies for it is lust that fades away. Love bonds for a lifetime but lust just pushes away."
-Alicia Barnhart


One liners


. 1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
7. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
8. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
9. If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
10. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


11. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
12. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
13. War does not determine who is right , only who is left.
14. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
15. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
17. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
18. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
19. My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
20. Evening news is where they begin with Good evening, and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.


21. If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong
22. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..
23. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
24. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
25. If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
26. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea does that mean that one enjoys it?
27. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
28. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
29. Some people are like Slinkies not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
30. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.


31. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
32. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
33. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian
34. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
35. A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
36. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with Guess on it so I said Implants?
37 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
38. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
39. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says If an emergency, notify: I put DOCTOR. What's my mother going to do?
40. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.


41. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
42. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
43. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
44. God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
45. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
46. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
47. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
48. Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
49. Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.
50. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.


51. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
52. The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he%u2019s really in trouble.
53. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
54. He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
55. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
56. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
57. It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end.
58. Some people say If you can't beat them, join them. I say If you can't beat them, beat them, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
59. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
60. Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.


61. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
62. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
63. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
64. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
65. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
66. My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you%u2019re ugly too.
67. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
68. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
69. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
70. I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.


71. I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.
72. I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, I'm going to mop the floor with your face. I said, You'll be sorry. He said, Oh, yeah? Why? I said, Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.
73. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
74. When in doubt, mumble.
75. I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
76. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
77. A little boy asked his father, Daddy, how much does it cost to get married? Father replied, I don't know son, I'm still paying.
78. Just remember if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
79. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
80. You're never too old to learn something stupid.


81. Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
82. A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.
83. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you%u2019re an asshole.
84. With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
85. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
86. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
87. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
88. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
89. You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.
90. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.


91. A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
92. Hallmark Card: I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.

93 If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
94. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
95. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
96. Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.
97. If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?
98. Whoever coined the phrase Quiet as a mouse has never stepped on one.
99. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.
100. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.


101. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
102. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
103. When you go into court, you are putting your fate into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
104. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
105. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins Once upon a time A southern fairytale begins Y'all ain gonna believe this shit
106. Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
107. You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?
108. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
109. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
110. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.


111. If Bill Gates had a penny for every time I had to reboot my computer , oh wait, he does.
112. The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
113. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
114. George Washington said We would have a black president when pigs fly! well, swine flu.
115. Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.
116. Children in the dark make accidents, but accidents in the dark make children.
117. Life's a bitch, cause if it was a slut, it'd be easy.
118. I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
119. You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
120. Deja Vu When you think you're doing something you've done before, it's because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.


121. The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
122. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
123. Money talks but all mine ever says is good-bye.
124. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
125. By the time a man realises that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.
126. By the time you learn the rules of life, you're too old to play the game.
127. Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?
128. If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it in the dictionary between shit and syphilis
129. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
130. Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.


131. I don't have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
132. Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
133. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?
134. We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.
135. Who was the first to see a cow and think I wonder what will happen if I squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?
136. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.
137. Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
138. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
139. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
140. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.


141. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos, then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.
142. You know, they got a luggage store in the airport? A place to buy a piece of luggage? How late do you have to be for a flight where you're like, Fuck it , just grab a pile of shit. We'll get a bag at the airport.
143. It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
144. Hard work never killed anyone, but why take the chance?
145. Without nipples, breasts would be pointless.
146. According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.
147. I have all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
148. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
149. Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
150. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.


151. Isn't it odd the way everyone automatically assumes that the goo in soap dispensers is always soap? I like to fill mine with mustard, just to teach people a lesson in trust.
152. Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.
153. The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.
154. When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
155. Archeologist: someone whose carreer lies in ruins.
156. Join The Army, visit exotic places, meet strange people, then kill them.
157. Women should not have children after 35. Really 35 children are enough.
158. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
159. I don't have an attitude; I have a personality you can't handle.
160. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


161. The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
162. Impotence: Nature's way of saying No hard feelings
163. Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
164. There are three kinds of people: The ones who learn by reading. The ones who learn by observation. And the rest of them who have to touch the fire to learn it's hot.
165. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
166. America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.
167. To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential.
168. Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
169. Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
170. Vegetarian: Native American definition for lousy hunter.


171. Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter.
172. The Miss Universe pageant is fixed. All the winners are from Earth.
173. It matters not whether you win or lose: what matters is whether I win or lose.
174. If you can't convince them, confuse them.
175. Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
176. Progress is made by lazy men looking for an easier way to do things.
177. See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
178. I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, Well, that's not going to happen.
179. Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.
180. The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.


181. 100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
182. I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said Are you going to help? I said No, six should be enough.
183. A friend is someone who will help you move. A GOOD friend is someone who will help you move a dead body.
184. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
185. Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.
186. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
187. For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
188. I'm a humble person, really. I'm actually much greater than I think I am.
189. Why is it called Alcoholics ANONYMOUS when the first thing you do is stand up and say, My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic
190. The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.


191. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
192. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
193. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
194. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
195. There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.
196. Don't steal. That's the government's job.
197. A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
198. They call it pms because mad cow disease was already taken.
199. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
200. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.


201. Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push.
202. What is the most important thing to learn in chemistry?
Never lick the spoon.
203. Lite: the new way to spell Light, now with 20% fewer letters!
204. Unless you're the lead dog, the view never changes.
205. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
206. No one is listening until you fart.
207. Only dead fish go with the flow.
208. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable like a coma.
209. Drink coffee! Do stupid things faster with more energy!
210. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.


211. A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
212. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.
213. Life's like a bird, it's pretty cute until it shits on your head.
214. I'm multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.
215. I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
216. The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.
217. Foreign Aid: The transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
218. How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
219. 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
220. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?


221. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
222. True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.
223. The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
224. If I'd shot you sooner, I'd be out of jail by now.
225. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids.
226. Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.
227. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
228. If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, why isn%u2019t anything in the store is free yet?
229. There are no winners in life only survivors.
230. Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.


240. Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
241. Wise people think all they say, fools say all they think.
242. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
243. The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
244. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you%u2019ve never tried before.
245. It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don't say it.
246. We are all part of the ultimate statistic ten out of ten die.
247. Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: Fear of long words.
248. A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
249. Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
250. If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.


251. I'm in shape. Round is a shape isn't it
252. When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise!
253. She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
254. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
255. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
256. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
257. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
258. Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don't have it.
259. I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.
260. I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me


261. My drinking team has a bowling problem.
262. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
263. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
264. It's not how good your work is, it's how well you explain it.
265. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
266. I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
267. If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?
268. Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
269. Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.
270. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?


271. Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
272. Failure is not falling down, it is not getting up again.
273. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed
274. The best thing about living at the beach is that you only have assholes on three sides of you.
275. Silence doesn't mean your sexual performance left her speechless.
276. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
277. Why is it that in the US: If you take off all your clothes and walk down the street waving a machete and firing an Uzi, terrified citizens will phone the police and report: There's a naked person outside!
278. Canadians are more polite when they are being rude than Americans are when they are being friendly.
279. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
280. I tried to hang myself with a bungee chord. I kept almost dying


281. Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
282. I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.
283. Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
284. You are depriving some poor village of its idiot.
285. Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
286. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
287. At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
288. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
289. Constipated people don't give a crap.
290. Why is a bra singular and panties plural?


291. Be safety conscious. 80% of people are caused by accidents.
292. Without ME, it's just AWESO.
293. If you do not say it, they can't repeat it.
294. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then it dawned on me%u2026 they were cramming for their finals.
295. Be careful of your thoughts, they may become words at any moment.
296. If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
297. Your gene pool could use a little chlorine.
298. You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him.
299. I pretend to work as long as they pretend to pay me.
300. You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?


301. You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
302. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
303. Roses are red violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I.
304. Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
305. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
306. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. Hate me because your boyfriend thinks so.
307. Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you are abusing the privilege!
308. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.
309. The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.
310. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.


311. Strangers have the best candy.
312. Rap is to music as Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
313. Men are like mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
314. Trust but verify.
315. The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
316. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
317. The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
318. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
319. I ran into my ex the other day, hit reverse, and ran into him again.
320. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?


321. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
322. I%u2019d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
323. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
324. Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel shamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
325. Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
326. Insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results.
327. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
328. It was love at first sight. Then I took a second look !!
329. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
330. I think, therefore I'm single.


331. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
332. Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
333. When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!
334. I bet you I could stop gambling.
335. The only difference between the people I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.
336. Sex on tv can't hurt unless you fall off.
337. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
338. Who invented the brush they put next to the toilet? That thing hurts!
339. If a dog sniffs your ass, you're probably a bitch.
340. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.


341. Accept it. Your parents HAVE had sex before.
342.
343. I love oral sex , It's the phone bill I hate.
344. Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
345. Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.
346. I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
347. The last time someone listened to a Bush, a bunch of people wandered in the desert for 40 years!
348. Squirrels nature's speed bumps.
349. When you go to the drugstore, why are the condoms not in with the other party supplies?
350. It's bad luck to be superstitious.


351. There are two kinds of people who don't say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
352. The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common Cenemy.
353. Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
354. With a calendar, your days are numbered.
355. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
356. The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
357. It's not the bullet that kills you, it's the hole.
358. I ran three miles today. Finally I said, Lady take your purse.
359. If good things come in small packages, then more good things can come in large packages.
360. You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg.


361. My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
362. A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.
363. A cat, by any other name, is still a sneaky little furball that barfs on the furniture.
364. Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
365. Being in a nudist colony probably takes all the fun out of Halloween.
366. Married men live longer than single men, but they're a lot more willing to die.
367. If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!
368. Beauty is only skin deep , but ugly goes all the way to the bone!
369. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste.
370. A hard thing about a business is minding your own.


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Toch nog iets van Norman
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I wish I had four wings
To fly away from all bad things
Nobody listens how my heart sings
Still me and my heart are kings

[Norman12]

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TOON HERMANS
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Ik zie nog zuster Gracia.....................................................19
En zuster Aldegonde
Wanneer ze in de wind op 't strand
Volop te wapperen stonden
Als hemelvlaggen in de wind
Ik vond het zo apart
Daar tussen al die blote kleur
Het devote wit en zwart
Nu staan ze in hun jumpertje
Wat grijsjes in de zon
En af en toe zegt iemand nog
Die juffrouw is een non

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NORMAN
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DE VOGELMET

Ik ging eens naar de markt met pa en ma.....................................864
Het stond er vol met dozen , bakken , kooien
Ik was voor de eerste keer in een grote stad
Het was er druk , ik moest me dubbel plooien
Ik vroeg Wat is dat hier , en iemand za
Dit is de vogelmet


Hij had gelijk , ik hoorde overal leuke deuntjes
En klaaglijk gemiauw en hongerig geblaf
Ik kwam zelfs schapen tegen op mijn pad
En ik dacht bij mezelf Dat is straf
Hier liepen nog veel ouders met hun zeuntjes
Dit was de vogelmet

Al die kinderen waren eenzaam net als ik
En ze wilden allemaal een kameraadje
De één wil een konijn , de andere een rat
Om samen te spelen in hun straatje
En de puppy's die mager zijn worden later dik
Dit is de vogelmet

Ik kreeg een lieve puppy wit en goud
Hij leek op Lassie van T.V
Hij zag dat ik hem onmiddellijk aanbad
Toen betaalde pa en namen wij hem mee
En ik werd met mijn puppy groot en oud
Dit was de vogelmet
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[Norman12]

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En we blijven van de beesten af .

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[Norman12]

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VOOR ALLE NIEUWBAKKEN EN TOEKOMSTIGE VADERS
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KLEINE SCHAT

WEET JE DAT

JE MIJ VERWENT

NOOIT HEB IK

ZO EEN KIK

GEHAD ALS VENT

NU IK VADER BEN

EN IN JOU

MEZELF HERKEN.......................................................................Norman
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[Norman12]

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LANG GELEDEN .....EEN SLAPELOZE NACHT.........EN TOON IN MIJN HOOFD
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Eerst een stukje over de moeder (vader was hierboven aan de beurt ) en het kind
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OP EEN DAG ALS VANDAAG

LIJKT DE HEMEL NIET VAAG

EN VER WEG , NEE , DICHTBIJ

WANT DIT KIND IS VAN MIJ


&

GEWILLIGE ZANGER

TOVER EEN LACH

BLIJF NOG WAT LANGER

ZALIGE DAG

LEVEN IS MOOI

ALS HET VERS IS

ALS ELKE PLOOI

NET ALS EEN KERS IS

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Dan de gewone onzin , al blijf ik jaloers op Bram en Toon

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Dit was me weer een nachtje
Het leek de goeie ouwe tijd
Lees maar , waarop wacht je
Ik beloof : Je krijgt geen spijt

&

Ome Ari , waar blijf je ?
Nee
Oh Marie waar blijf je
Ik kan niet zonder jouw lijfje
Ik kan niet zonder jouw lach
Jij maakt als geen ander mijn dag

&

Mooie tulpen , mooie kleuren
Warme zon en verse geuren
Amsterdam in al zijn pracht
Mijd de Wallen in de nacht

&

Sluiswacht doe ze open
Nachtwacht is gaan lopen
Nachtwacht is nu moe
Doe de sluizen maar weer toe

&

Blijf niet plakken in jouw straat
Er zijn nog zoveel andere wegen
Krijg je hart weer aan de praat
Zonder haat en zonder regen

&

Burgers met en zonder soldij
Schik je in de rot maatschappij
Schik je in je leven
Want je hebt maar even

&


Is er een dokter in de zaal ?
Ik ben zo moe van al die taal
Weet niet of ik morgen haal
Zelfs mijn voorhoofd is nu kaal

&

Ik heb niets tegen homo’s
Maar alles tegen seks
Het maakt het leven zielloos
Lastig en complex

&

Snoer me de mond
Schop in mijn kont
Stuur maar een hond
Of de vaak-bond

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Ik weet niet of ik het volhou
Ik luisterde naar de Moldau
Al is die SMET AN Aardige man
Bij mij loopt het water over de dam

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In de prak , in de prak
Hij reed z’n auto tot een wrak
Tot hem sprak , tot hem sprak
Een agent in burgerpak

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EN OMDAT TOON WEER ACHTER MIJN INSPIRATIE ZAT , DEZE OVER HERMANS
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We zijn het allemaal………………………………194
Benieuwd zowel als gek
Toon beheerst de taal
Als elke specht zijn bek


Omdat we zelf verschillen………………………………195
Horen wij niet dezelfde Toon
Toch zingt hij heel gewoon
Over bananenschillen

Omdat we moeten zorgen
Voor huis en tuin en kind
Klinkt alles wat Toon vindt
Zo anders in de morgen

Omdat we blijven gieren
Om elke Toonse grap
Gaan we niet op stap
En kraken de scharnieren

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